Pornography - a challenge: Day 140/90!

Hi Guys,

Friday 13th is an unlucky day. Not for me. For some reason, I survive these superstitious days without harm...and then get walloped on Saturday 14th! It has always been this way.

So, you guessed it, Saturday 14th November I yielded to my curiosity and took a peek at some internet pornography; bringing to an end my happy run of 140-days porn-free.

What did I discover? A rush of chemicals through my system is what I discovered. My heart was beating fast and hard as I clicked onto that first page, waiting for the images to appear. What would happen to me? Would I spontaneously combust? Would I get hooked into an ongoing loop of fantasy and projection? I was treading old and new ground at the same time. Oddly familiar, yet strangely (and thankfully) not something that felt like an unconscious habit.

Pornography: a challenge: Day 92/90!

Today I celebrate my success of living porn-free for 90-days, and counting! 

(I wish I could say the same for my ejaculations, but, hey, twice is not so bad!)

In my last blog on this topic I promised you some insights from the other end of the rainbow. Well, what light do I have at the end of this tunnel? What wisdom have I discovered?

Oddly enough, it’s a strange sense of ambivalence from the so-called requirements of everyday living.

Pornography: A Challenge - Day 71/90

Hi Guys,

I am now on the 71st day of my 90-day porn-free challenge. For almost three months I have not once looked at, searched for, nor glimpsed a piece of pornography. I haven’t ejaculated in that time also. So, to be honest, I’m feeling a bit superhuman.

Now, you could say that I have cheated somewhat because I’ve just returned from a month surrounded by naked people in various Tantra and Conscious Sexuality Festivals and Pelvic-Heart Integration Activations. All of whom were most happy enjoying their (newly re-found) eroticism and sensuality. It was certainly a great relief from the mini-struggle I was having whenever I sat at my computer.

That being said, as I return to a more internet-based lifestyle it still feels more or less normal to not feel a victim to the sexual fantasies and images that occasionally surface in my head. Previously, such mental erotica would be a frequent occurrence that would then trigger a bout of porn browsing and/or passive wanking. 

So, at 71-days in, I guess one of the questions that need answering is how sexual do I feel? Have I given up and gone all celibate-asexual or have I freaked out and gone crazy-horse-horny? Neither really, but the changes are apparent.

Pornography: a challenge #1

Hi Guys,

You may recall a few weeks back I made a linked post to this site: yourbrainonporn.com. For those of you who made it over there and watched the whole presentation, you will no doubt recall Gary Wilson’s challenge of staying porn free for 90-days.

If you didn’t, but are interested in what he has to say, you can also check out this great talk that he did on TEDX: the great porn experiment. My favourite bit is his assertion that older men recover faster than younger ones - about 13mins in - hey, I’m not that old, but I did get sexually enlightened in the days before broadband. Before dial-up actually…jeez!

As you know, I’m quite up for a challenge, so as I write this post I am currently on day 26 of the proposed 90-days porn-free experiment. 

“Why did I do that?” you may ask…

Well, as a sex-positive pleasurist, I know that the power of my senses are very important to my overall arousal and pleasure state. If you tell me I can enhance my senses by cutting out porn viewing, then obviously I’m going to give it a try.

To be honest, I was beginning to feel numbed out by watching porn anyway. Sure, I’d get off on the open display of tits and ass and penetration, but I always knew, eventually, that something was missing. I’d be looking at porn and would really be searching for some kind of connection, something to alleviate my boredom, something tangible, something that would make me feel sexy, alive and human. Something, something...

Sometimes I’d find it, trip out, and then land in the same spot that I started in…doh! I couldn’t help but wonder why…

In my book “W@nker!” I write in more detail about my relationship with pornography, and I offer a way through that still includes genital touch and masturbation. You may want to check it out here.

“But, what have I found in my abstinence?” 

Well, 26 days in of 90, I have, oddly enough, found more of myself; I have noticed a shift in my awareness that puts the physical me at the centre of my erotic experience, rather than some displaced, disassociated other.

I feel I am much more responsive to my immediate environment, both in terms of arousal and engagement. Now, I feel enjoyment when I meet people. Now, I actually want to meet people!

And when I do, especially women, I feel like a highly tuned and highly sensitive machine; the smallest whiff of pheromone and I’m writhing in delicious erotic enjoyment, ready for more!

I know for some of you this will sound like sexual frustration, but believe me, it ain't. It's sexual empowerment: feeling my body hot, horny and in control, rather than feeling off-centre because I got dazzled by a flash of something that triggered a replay of a clip I'd seen is not sexual frustration!

It ain’t easy to quit porn, but while my senses are this perked up and I feel a permissiveness around my sex and sexual expression, I am more than happy to stick this one out. 

All in the interests of curiosity, of course!

I'll let you know how I get on as I get closer to the 90-day limit... in the meantime, feel free to click on this link and have a go at one of my Masturbation challenges.

Whatever you decide, be your best,

D.L.

"Very good news for wankers everywhere..! -
Dr. Deborah Anapol, author The Seven
Natural Laws of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

The Master Key to great sex and arousal

Hi Guys,

Recently, it has been bothering me that Sex is not up to scratch. 

I’ve also been pleasuring myself and wondering what the hell I’m doing. Why am I left feeling empty? Why do I not get energised or - my favourite - transcendent, even though I am giving my genitals a high level of stimulation and consciously breathing?

I have been wondering if it was just me, or whether there is something more general going on.

I think it’s both (in fact, I know it’s both, but I’ll save the general one for another post).

Would you be surprised to learn that it took the surprise visitation of an ex-girlfriend to remind me what I have been missing?

Well, it was…. man, how I hate that ex-girlfriend!

Just kidding. 

Once I had gotten over the shock of seeing her again, and my ongoing resentment at seeing her again, I realised that I had this warm and expanded feeling in my chest…

...I felt vibrant, positive and alive...

Sure, my loins got activated (and why wouldn’t they? She’s incredibly hot), but here’s the thing: they got activated because my chest was open, NOT the other way around!

(I put chest because if I say heart some of you'll think I'm being a pussy.)

Can you believe that?

I know guys are visual creatures and designed to be turned on by the female form,

How to deal with jealousy: Karmic affirmations

Hi Guys,

What is jealousy? There are schools of thought that suggest jealousy occurs when we realise we do not have control over the behaviour and affection of another. It is connected to the helplessness that we feel when others act of their own free will (as they always do anyway), and it is what happens when we assume others are available to fulfil our sexual needs indefinitely. Alongside this is the belief that they are in on that agreement too (they may be, they may not, have you had this conversation yet?). When they exist around others in a way that we interpret as threatening to that agreement, jealousy occurs. 

What is Karma: my understanding is that Karma is the inherited pathway of life state that we individually exist in/with/through as we go about our daily business. Like it or not, Karma is with us all the time. Consequently, it unites us all. Some people associate it with the idea of reincarnation and ask questions like: “will I come back as an ant if I am bad?” (does anyone ask what they will come back as if they are good?). I don’t really have an answer to those questions because it’s not what I am focusing on here. What I am focusing on is the belief that understanding Karma allows us to take a wider, bigger-picture view of our experiences; be they perceived as good or bad, positive or negative, we can find ourselves in a compassionate place with what is happening (or not) to/with us.

My current practise involves daily reminders that everyone, including me, is on their own path of Karma; they are in their own journey of positive and negative experience, no matter what I do or how I am around them. In a way, it’s a separatist practice, but not really because, as I said, Karma unites us all, it’s just that yours is different to mine. As I affirm this to myself on a regular basis, I’ve noticed a number of positive effects. I find I am more comfortable in social situations. I am less concerned about how I am perceived. I am less fearful of being attacked, and I am less anxious about what I need to be happening in order to be okay. When I cease to resent others for not behaving in a way that services my needs (“and why aren’t they doing what I want/need them to do anyway? It must be a personal attack!” my Ego says), then I find myself less preoccupied with head-bound chatter, breathing more fully, and less reliant on the reactions of others to determine my mood. 

Suddenly, my social engagement is less outcome-based and more representative of my best self.

It really is remarkable what happens when we allow others to be in/on their own journey. 

With such a positive outcome in my social interactions, I decided it would be worth testing this practice on someone with whom I have been suffering a degree of jealousy.

It's a short story: as we found ourselves in the same social gathering of individuals, I perceived (as I would) the contrast in her behaviour with me and with others of similar sexual availability. I felt the pang of jealousy hit me and rather than be determined by it, I began my karrmic-affirmation. Do you know what happened? Almost instantaneously it did not matter to me whether I was attractive to her or not. It did not matter whether we spoke or shared affection. I did not matter whether I gained her sexual approval or was sexually intimate with her. What did matter was that that I could engage fully in the social situation with my best self, that I was able to breathe fully in her presence, and that I was free of mindless chatter and emotional turmoil.

It really was a powerful shift in mental perception. 

Karma is with us all the time. If I can accept and allow you to be in yours, then I can be fully in mine, no matter what happens.

I encourage you to try this out today. 

Be your best, 

D.L.

Liked this article? Why not learn how to turn social frustration into Purposeful Gold too!

"Very good news for wankers everywhere..! -
Dr. Deborah Anapol, author The Seven
Natural Laws of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

More than just a He-She (ouch!)

Hey Guys,

Crazy, sexy and cool transgendered people answer those questions!

For those of you who are curious.....

Do not be afraid... this video might just ease your worried mind.

I love it.

Crazy, sexy and cool transgendered people answer those questions!

Own it,
D.L.

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author of "W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

Teens and porn, porn, porn.

Hi Guys,

"Nerve cells that fire together, wire together."

DOPAMINE. Sexual conditioning. Adolescence. Porn.

Sexual conditioning using Porn.

You must watch this. It's useful, important stuff. Stick with it and go reflect - where are you?

Sexual conditioning using Porn.

Be your best,
D.L.

"Very good news for wankers everywhere..! -
Dr. Deborah Anapol, author The Seven
Natural Laws of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

Mindful Masturbation Meditation Online classes?

Hi Guys,

How would you feel about learning with me?

Following the publication of "W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure, it was suggested I run a series of online guidance sessions for interested men.

Guys who wanted some additional brotherly support in maximising their self-pleasuring - a sort of, "encouragement community".

Is that you?

As this is a new idea for me, I'm looking for a beta group to test out the material and functionality of it all. Obviously then, the price for being involved initially would be significantly less than what I'll ask for this kind of course in the future.

Are you interested?
Do you want to be involved?

Drop me an email: intimacyme@gmail.com

Be your best,

DL

"Very good news for wankers everywhere..! -
Dr. Deborah Anapol, author The Seven
Natural Laws of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author of "W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

How to turn social frustration into Purposeful Gold

"When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember 
that four of his fingers are pointing at himself." - Louis Nizer

For you, but really for me...

As you probably know, I am currently training in Pelvic-Heart Integration. This can be a challenging modality of transformation, so the question I often myself is “Why?”

“Why would anybody want to undergo ten sessions of PHI work?”...

In my attempt to find an answer, I first wrote down my frustrations and concerns. This included my projections and prejudices towards "people" - hereby to be known as Social Frustration! 

This is what I wrote:

Become a better "W@nker!" for less - 30% off in April

"Very good news for wankers everywhere..!" - Dr. Deborah Anapol,
author The Seven Natural Laws of Love

For you (and not an April Fools!)

Hi guys,

Just because it's April and I'm feeling good.. and just because you are reading this blog... and just because I can... I'm slashing the price of my book"W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure by 30% this April.

Normally, the RRP is $16.99, but for this limited time you can get this life-enhancing guide for just $11.89! (About £8.00GDP). What's that, like, a couple of cups of coffee and a banana-nut muffin??

The book will show you:

• How to maximise your daily energy.
• How to maximise your staying-power.
• How to maximise your erections!

It'll also give you some tips and advice on:

Two hot women making sex sounds

For you and your voice box

Hi guys,

As you know, I am a big fan of making noise, especially while self-pleasuring, and also during sex. And I really get turned on by listening to women make them (authentically) too.

Now, with that in mind, I came across this great little vid on YouTube...

Owning Your Shit #1: I am a Man, I am a Rapist.

"The dark side of men is clear. Their mad exploitation 
of earth resources, devaluation and humiliation 
of women, and obsession with tribal warfare are 
undeniable. Genetic inheritance contributes to their 
obsessions, but also culture and environment." 
- Robert Bly 

For you, for her, and the good of the planet

Talk about owning your shit!

In a previous post I shared an article by one of my mentors, Mike Lousada, in which he writes about our Shadow aspects, and how they can be made all the more manageable by bringing them into conscious awareness.

Well…

The other day, while conducting a walking meditation on ‘resentments’ and ‘forgiveness’, numerous strands of influence and understanding collided and a wave of realisation came over me.

Firstly, I have had numerous sexual partners - usually of African heritage - who have later confided in me that they have been the victim of a sexual violation. 

"Why am I attracting these sorts of women to me?" I often wondered.

Secondly, there have been several occasions in my erotic explorations when I have physically felt ‘raped’; a presence that has over-powered, smothered without consent, penetrated, and violated me. Now, I’m almost certain that nothing like that has happened to me during this lifetime - thank goodness - so where has this association come from? Perhaps it’s a repressed memory or an inherited one from generations ago?

Thirdly, for the last three years I have had a series of on-off intimate encounters with a particular woman, and there has been a growing tension in the power-dynamics between us. The encounters have never led to penetration, even though the attraction has been there. This ‘tension’ has been bothering me, to the extent - I am sure - that my body has begun to feel the effects. 

This woman has, unfortunately, suffered sexual trauma in the past, so, initially, my realisations took me here: She - the Wounded Feminine in her - wants or wanted me to rape her(!). 

Unconsciously, I assume, her hot and cold behaviour has been a manipulation to arouse such desire in me that I will force her down, force her clothes off, force her lips to mine. Force, force, force. This has made me angry.

I came to believe that she - consciously or unconsciously - was

Why ejaculation can make you feel odd.

Hi Guys,

As you know I'm an advocate for mindful masturbation, so why is it that ejaculation can sometimes leave us feeling apathetic, lethargic and downright grumpy?

Okay, you might have heard of the 'refractory period' - that little bit of time a guy needs after he's just shot his load and before he can get enough steam in his schlong to go again, but this post is not about that.

No, biology and physiology aside, this post suggests that that lingering, odd feeling we guys can get is more to do with how we come about that ejaculation.

(Which reminds me of another post I need to write about the different levels of orgasm...)

For those of you who have read my new book, "W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure", you will know that I talk about Embodiment a lot.

Embodiment is the process of becoming aware of and inhabiting with our whole body, our immediate experience (in this case, sexual, sensual and intensely erotic).

I believe that ejaculation carries with it whatever we are experiencing inside us at that moment in time. We, literally, fire-out into the world our creative potential. So, if we are embodied and present in our erotic, sexual and sensual experience, then any kind of ejaculation from this point will affirm us as worthy, embodied, present and erotic beings. Which will automatically be carried on into whatever is 'birthed' from it.

But...

If we are jerking off and ejaculating as the culmination of a 'passive wank', then we are most likely NOT embodying our experience, and will instead affirm ourselves as disembodied, absent, and probably guilt- and shame-filled human beings. Not the most pleasant of things, if you ask me.

So...

What is that odd feeling we can carry with us? It's whatever we were experiencing - secretly or not - at the moment of our release. The good advice is: with a small shift in attitude and practice, you can choose what experience you want.

For more info on 'passive wanking' and how to affirm yourself with/without ejaculation, I will, of course, recommend my book :-)

Best practice to you, guys.
D.L.

Liked this article? Why not learn how to deal with jealousy too!

"Good news for wankers everywhere..!"
- Dr. Deborah Anapol, author,
The Seven Natural Laws of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.

3 Levels of Sexuality work

For those of you thinking about it (!)

Hi guys,

Before we begin...my book on Mindful Masturbation practice is done!

"Good news for wankers everywhere..!"
- Dr. Deborah Anapol, author,
The Seven Natural Laws of Love

Thanks for sticking it out and waiting for me! Go here to check it out.

Now, in this post I'm going to share an article from one of my teachers, Mike Lousada, founder of Psychosexual Somatics.

It's quite long (I've copied it in full with his permission), but as it advocates safe practice, I'm all for it.

It goes like this:

"It is my strong belief that one thing which makes for a good practitioner in this field is awareness of our motivations. Here is a piece I wrote exploring that topic.

Why Work With Sexuality?

Motivations – A Personal Perspective

“I couldn’t feel, so I learned to touch”

Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah

Sex is a dangerous topic. It is still taboo and causes all kinds of nervous reactions when the topic is raised. Working with sexuality in a somatic healing or therapeutic way is even more contentious. We are likely to illicit a variety of shocked reactions or judgements from those with whom we share our chosen professional path. The risk becomes even greater when working with clients. We must always be present to the risk that the client may become attached to us or that they may level accusations against us of inappropriate conduct or worse. So why would any of us want to work in the field of sexuality? I believe that in order to work effectively and safely in somatic sexology we must look at what motivates us to work in this particular area. I believe we need to explore three, ever deeper, levels.