Hi Guys,
Friday 13th is an unlucky day. Not for me. For some reason, I survive these superstitious days without harm...and then get walloped on Saturday 14th! It has always been this way.
So, you guessed it, Saturday 14th November I yielded to my curiosity and took a peek at some internet pornography; bringing to an end my happy run of 140-days porn-free.
What did I discover? A rush of chemicals through my system is what I discovered. My heart was beating fast and hard as I clicked onto that first page, waiting for the images to appear. What would happen to me? Would I spontaneously combust? Would I get hooked into an ongoing loop of fantasy and projection? I was treading old and new ground at the same time. Oddly familiar, yet strangely (and thankfully) not something that felt like an unconscious habit.
The images arrived and I clicked on to see the video footage. "Oh, that's what it feels like to watch porn," I remarked as I felt the impulse to click on and establish the most stimulating images available.
Bang! went my dopamine-infused, reward system, and I was somewhere between letting it run the show and hitting the power-off button. I hung around for some time (about an hour), so I guess the dopamine had it's way with me for a while.
I am anxious that now the spell has been broken I will be enticed by the nonsensical delights of internet pornography. It makes no sense to me and yet communicates with a primal part of my brain that is happy to spend hours gorging on more, more, more. And then feeling mightily fucked off when the footage ceases to manifest a sincere reciprocity of feeling.
"Shit, I want connection.
Shit, I want loving feeling.
Shit, I want to be with her in the scene, not hanging out over here on my own.
But then I'll know just how fake the experience really is."
Oh, I'm so conflicted.
It doesn't make sense.
And before I see anything, it's all over anyway. The event has taken place.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like to be in the room when anything erotic and arousing is happening for my benefit....
So what happens now? I start the count once again, and monitor what happens in my response.
I know that somewhere in my psyche, I've convinced myself that Pornography is good for my sexual wellbeing: it turns me on; it reminds me that I'm sexual; it gives me opportunities to explore my fantasies in a safe way; it expands my understanding of what I can be turned on by and why...
...and at the same time: it corrodes my social skills; it damages my mental processing ability; it lures me into irrational and impulsive behaviour; it seduces me with unconscious whores and it brings me shame and embarrassment.
Especially when my laptop is beset by a plague of techno-viruses. Yes, guys, we've all been there.
No doubt, I'll keep you informed.
Be your best,
D.L.
PS Using porn to help you cope with jealousy? Find out my strategy here. Enjoy!
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"Very good news for wankers everywhere..! -
Dr. Deborah Anapol, author The Seven
Natural Laws of Love |
Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. Currently training as a teacher of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.
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