Owning Your Shit #1: I am a Man, I am a Rapist.

"The dark side of men is clear. Their mad exploitation 
of earth resources, devaluation and humiliation 
of women, and obsession with tribal warfare are 
undeniable. Genetic inheritance contributes to their 
obsessions, but also culture and environment." 
- Robert Bly 

For you, for her, and the good of the planet

Talk about owning your shit!

In a previous post I shared an article by one of my mentors, Mike Lousada, in which he writes about our Shadow aspects, and how they can be made all the more manageable by bringing them into conscious awareness.

Well…

The other day, while conducting a walking meditation on ‘resentments’ and ‘forgiveness’, numerous strands of influence and understanding collided and a wave of realisation came over me.

Firstly, I have had numerous sexual partners - usually of African heritage - who have later confided in me that they have been the victim of a sexual violation. 

"Why am I attracting these sorts of women to me?" I often wondered.

Secondly, there have been several occasions in my erotic explorations when I have physically felt ‘raped’; a presence that has over-powered, smothered without consent, penetrated, and violated me. Now, I’m almost certain that nothing like that has happened to me during this lifetime - thank goodness - so where has this association come from? Perhaps it’s a repressed memory or an inherited one from generations ago?

Thirdly, for the last three years I have had a series of on-off intimate encounters with a particular woman, and there has been a growing tension in the power-dynamics between us. The encounters have never led to penetration, even though the attraction has been there. This ‘tension’ has been bothering me, to the extent - I am sure - that my body has begun to feel the effects. 

This woman has, unfortunately, suffered sexual trauma in the past, so, initially, my realisations took me here: She - the Wounded Feminine in her - wants or wanted me to rape her(!). 

Unconsciously, I assume, her hot and cold behaviour has been a manipulation to arouse such desire in me that I will force her down, force her clothes off, force her lips to mine. Force, force, force. This has made me angry.

I came to believe that she - consciously or unconsciously - was
using me in an attempt to force that outcome. An outcome that she wouldn't have to take any responsibility for, and one that is infinitely defensible on her part (“I said “no”, but he wouldn’t stop”). My cries of, “her inner wounded feminine archetype was asking for it”just wouldn't cut mustard and I would be vilified and pilloried for it. And so I was also, rightfully, scared.

If this were the case, I next deducted that the tension between us existed as a result of me - consciously or unconsciously - knowing what she was attempting to do and resisting: “I will not let you force me into raping you; I will not do it.” “I want you badly, but I will not fall into your rapist trap. I won't do it!” 

Having ascertained that I was being coerced and manipulated by her - and my Ego, which kept saying, “Go on, try it, push it, test it, you’ll regret it if you don’t” - it would have been easy to blanket myself in this detached position of blame and supposed safety.

But here's the shadow that I am dumbfounded to acknowledge: I (and Men in general) somehow, in some form, am (or have the potential to be) a rapist. It is the beast in us, the animal, the primal, the lustful, the wonton. With enough power and influence, we can easily step into that role.

She knew that, I am sure, which is why she latched onto me. Maybe all those other women previously knew it too?

That being said, I am conflicted, because it is exactly those animalistic qualities, I believe, that can help make a passionate lover and wonderful bed-fellow. What woman doesn’t fantasise about, to quote a female friend, "occasionally being shoved up against the refrigerator and taken”? Look at how popular 50 Shades of Grey is. Dominant-Submissive relationships have never been so mainstream! 

The question is, guys, how do we accept and harness, not suppress or deny, that part of ourselves? How do we establish clear and healthy boundaries, so that role-plays like these can be rewarding for both parties? And how do we protect ourselves against our own Egos and women who may - consciously or unconsciously - be using us for their un/spoken agendas?

On a larger scale, there is a great energy and integrity that comes from standing up and saying, “I am a Man. I am a Rapist”. I believe that we, as Men, must accept the inherited genetic mould of generations, of ancestors, and of nations that have taken without consent, that have wielded power without compassion, without mercy and without care. That have pillaged, pulled and snarled their satisfaction with enjoyable force - and they have enjoyed it, let us not deny that dark side too. They have a dark past, those men; we men, I. 

Society has increasingly shat on us in order to suppress and control this base, primal urge, but it is still there. How do we live with ourselves now? I ask myself, "how do I live with myself and this rapist potential"?

In Iron John, author Robert Bly offers us some hope in the Wild Man character, which, I believe,  is the flip side to this ‘rapist’ (or "macho") character that I write about. He says:

"The kind of wildness, or un-niceness, implied by the Wild Man image is not the same as macho energy, which men already know enough about. Wild Man energy, by contrast, leads to forceful action undertaken, not with cruelty, but with resolve... Conversing with the Wild Man is not talking about bliss or mind or spirit or "higher consciousness", but about something wet, dark and low - what James Hillman would call "soul"."

With enough education and practice, I believe, we can all inhabit our Wild Man. If that is so, perhaps the Wild Woman we so often desire will also come out to play.

Acknowledging this shadow aspect of ourselves must be the first step.

Yours,
D.L.

"Good news for wankers everywhere..!"
- Dr. Deborah Anapol, author
The Seven Natural Lows of Love

Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author of "W@nker!": a practical guide for men to enhanced erotic practice and superior pleasure. As a facilitator of Pelvic-Heart Integration, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.