“The
term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but
nice.” – Robert Glover, PhD
Hi Guys,
You know I want to share something with you
now that I think might not be the most expected thing to come out of my mouth
on a blog about intimacy tips for young, straight men. But here it is: I hate women.
Shocking isn’t it? I don’t know how this
has come about, but the realization came to me in a flash and I know there is
truth in the statement. And you know what? It feels good to admit it. I am
relieved to know this about myself. It feels good to understand how
disingenuous my actions have been. I no longer need to feel the pangs of
rejection and guilt about offering help, support, advice, love, sex, being
present, etc. These things I have aspired to master in the past – for the
betterment of myself and for the purposes of getting laid (well), I’ll admit –
and yet underneath it all I’ve been struggling with this women-hating conflict.
Am I alone in feeling this?
New-Agey’s tend to supplicate themselves for comfort, love and affection – but maybe it’s really just fueled by a hate towards mommy because she never gave it in the “right” way? Macho’s tend to dominate and control women as objects to be possessed – what else fuels this competitive edge but anger?
I’m just speculating here. And you could
argue that such “hidden” aspects don’t really affect our everyday lives. But,
go towards intimate encounters and you can bet they’ll come screaming at you,
wanting attention. It’s what is happening with me right now.
It’s no surprise that these issues have
surfaced during a period when I am struggling with intimacy. I committed myself
to another and things didn’t work out. Things like that happen, I know. It’s
not the reason I’m saying I hate women now; I’m not on a revenge or rejection
vendetta, trust me. If anything, the commitment that I made helped me
understand and uncover this deep, shadow aspect of my consciousness, so I am
grateful. Yes, it hurt me deep; probably deeper than I am allowing myself to
admit or, importantly feel, but that’s another article…
What you need to know is: I feel cut off from others -
particularly women that I am attracted to – I feel uninspired and bored; women
here in this city where I live just don’t do it for me. Most often I feel
emasculated and over-powered by the severity of the women that I encounter. In
my speed of mental processing and emotional awareness, I feel vastly inferior. Why
is it that way? Whatever the reason, when it comes to my current life-state
with/around/towards women intimate encounters, I am often confused, uncertain,
angry and resentful.
In my attempts to understand this state,
I’ve been confronted with a number of questions: Maybe it’s an effect of the
major-city vibe that I live in or perhaps it’s just the age that I am at? The
more time that I spend in this Western city that I live, the more I feel this
resentment live inside. Is it all mine, or am I picking it up from the
dissatisfied populace all around? Who knows, and what can I do about it? Well,
whatever it is and wherever it comes from, while it remains, it means I spend
most of my time emotionally unavailable and angry.
All this raises two points that I’d like to
highlight: Firstly, I don’t really hate Women
– those physical bodies that wander about without a penis and testicles. I
believe that my “hate” (the physical sensations, thoughts and behaviors I
associate with it) is actually a conflict that I have going on inside of me, and
of which I am becoming more and more aware. Whatever that conflict is, I am
projecting it (meaning identifying or associating it) onto women and making
them the cause.
(Actually, no, stop right there – I’m not happy saying, “I’m
projecting it” because that makes me feel like the perpetrator in this and I so
feel like the victim! Okay, so we’re
back on the anger thing… that’s fine...)
Secondly, Anger. Whatever the reason is, I
believe I have a right to feel this anger. Let me say that again, because not
owning it means it will stay festering in my subconscious: I have a right to feel this anger towards/associated with women. It
is anger and it is mine.
Frankly, it’s a relief to have clarity
around it.
Now, that being said, (and if what I have
been saying resonates at all with you) one of the best things that we can do is enter
into a dialogue with ourselves about
what we feel, what we want and what we need. And then to hear the reply. This is where I am
grateful for the Gestalt Dialogue tools that I learned as part of my Pelvic
Heart Integration training. PHI addresses this deep “wounding” and helps us
find a way through to a point of communion, so those tools are a wonderful gift
to have at one’s disposal.
In PHI terms, the inner conflict that I
alluded to before would be described as evidence of the split between the Inner
Man and Inner Woman; it just so happens that all those physical bodies that we co-exist
with act as a reminder – especially the ones we are attracted to – and reflect
back the difficulties we have inside.
(“Bullshit!” my Inner Cynic cries.
“”Inner Woman” is just some bullshit term
that somebody made up to turn people gay or to make them into wusses so that
women would sleep with them. It doesn’t exist. Man the fuck up and go and get
laid.”
Oh man, how to respond to that? I can hear
whole swathes of people from my birth city speaking in that one passage alone…
But I digress…)
When things are going well for us, this
inner split is hardly noticed at all. But, when things are going badly, and we
find ourselves wanting to point fingers and blame somebody or something for not
getting our way or being satisfied, you can bet that this split is talking in
some way.
If we can find a way to hear the demands
and concerns of these inner beings then we stop acting out and projecting our
shit onto others, and we stand a chance at healing the split ourselves.
A simple way to do this could be by using
Gestalt Dialogue tools, or it might be writing an article (like me) to
understand and articulate the problem. You might also find a sympathetic – and,
ideally, trained – ear to verbalize some of the issues. Avoid getting caught in
the story of it if you can (I deleted so much verbal diarrhea while I was
writing this article for example) and choose your person wisely. I know that if
I tell someone “I hate women”, if they are not educated enough to know that I’m
really referring to something going on inside myself and looking to take
responsibility for it, they can easily go into their own judgments about the
statement and find their own line of attack. Not the most supportive response
I’m sure you’ll agree!
Well, that’s about it for now. Since
writing this article (several times) addressing this shadow aspect of myself, I
have found greater peace and space emerging around my heart. It may seem
counter-intuitive but by admitting my hate for “women”, I’ve actually found
myself becoming more available to intimacy than I have been for a long, long
while. And that is good.
Be your best,
D.L.
Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. As a Pelvic-Heart Integration facilitator, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.
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Diamond Lotus is a sex-positive erotic explorer, educator, and author. As a Pelvic-Heart Integration facilitator, Diamond is passionate about promoting healthy models of intimate relating for young, straight men.
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