Day
|
1
|
Intention:
|
To unfreeze my sexual response.
|
Time:
|
05.10-05.50
|
Duration:
|
40mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Squats, Kegels, stroking, gentle
hip-thrusting, tapping
|
Reflection:
As one who considers himself sexually
frozen currently, undertaking another 30-days of erotic practice is a new experience for me. Somehow my sexual response has frozen
itself into a non-compliance and I have what I might consider to be a sexual
dysfunction: namely, erectile non-cooperation! This means that even though, as
a recent partner suggested, I have a lot of energy, my penis does not, and so
it goes up and down quite quickly. Well, very quickly as a matter of fact. I
can only assume that this has been as a result of the last two years of not
practicing this MMM, as I had done before (and the breakdown of a significant relationship). I am now embarking on another
intense period of re-training myself and so this is an account of that journey
as I go through.
This was a rather uneventful first
practice. I had watched Lotte Nealy’s “Get Open” piece last night and it
resonated with me as it had the first time that I saw it. I know that here in
Thailand I have a private space and time to undertake this re-training, so for
that I am very pleased. This has to be the time to do it now, and then I'll be able to do
much more than I can possibly do at this point.
The session was very gentle. I had woken up
early and so I decided to begin this practice a day earlier than I had planned
– just because, why not? I started gently moving my body and doing squats.
Actucally most of this session was done standing up in front of the mirror,
which is something I have wanted to do for ages. I was really drawn to the
mirror because I am visually stimulated and it helps me to remember what my
body looks like and to take care of it too. This was a nurturing, caring
session, just getting back to me and the time that I have here for such things.
The gears are shifting down now as I adjust to whatever is here and the energy
that I bring to it too.
I hardly got to spend time on my genitals,
which is no bad thing. At the end I had to resist the temptation to say fuck it
to the alarm and go into old habits, but I didn’t thank goodness; I know that
part of this re-training is the cumulative effect of building sexual charge and
actually allowing it to remain in the body, in my body, as part of my everyday
lived experience. If my penis is not responding, it must be because most the
rest of my body is actually lacking charge. Ha! Consider that, because most of
the time, especially in London, I have felt hyper-stimulated and forever
possessing charge! Perhaps so, BUT it hasn’t been sexually converted, nor used
in a productive way; AND it has been an ever-constant stream, so there has been
no let up in that activity for me. No wonder my body re-routed it to searching
habits and browsing: it was just doing what it needed to do to try and
discharge some of what I was experiencing all the time. What a shame that I
ended up separated from my feelings and body awareness! Damn. That would make
me angry, and it has. Damn! Time to sort this out once again.
Oh thank
goodness for this practice. I am tempted to share these daily updates on my
blog, as a reminder to people who just might be drawn to what I write and to
inspire a whole other set of mindfully masturbating meditators! Shit! 30-Days,
here we go!
D.L.
I’m figuring out the noise levels in my
apartment too, because the walls echo, obviously and I am so used to being quiet
and silent as I pleasure myself that often the “aahs” in the conscious
breathing that I do are quite mute. They become the “mmms”, which carry less
charge and openness and vulnerability in them. Who knows what my neighbors
might think, and I can here next door shagging away too, which tells me that my
noises are definitely going to be heard. Why is it that it’s okay to hear women
groan and moan in pleasure – indeed, its conditioned and expected isn’t it? –
but for men it is not? Surely that’s a form of discrimination! I want to be
heard and able to express myself with pleasure regardless of where I am and who
I am with. Oh what joy that would bring me! Outside in nature is a great place
for that because the trees and earth just absorb it; like Mother Nature
celebrates in hearing such pleasure expressed with and too her. BUT I’m not
there yet. Perhaps one day soon, perhaps so…
D.L.
Day
|
2
|
Intention:
|
To wake up my body gently.
|
Time:
|
06.00-06.35
|
Duration:
|
35mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Body tapping all over, stroking, Kegels,
Jumping Jacks, Conscious Breathing (short in x3, exhale “aah” or “mmm”)
|
Reflection:
I forgot to put that I did conscious
breathing in my report yesterday but no matter, I do it as standard these days.
I have to say that this session started really slowly and I probably, no,
definitely, felt a wave of boredom come over me as I stood facing the mirror and
wondered if I was ever going to get fully charged and exhibit a raging hard-on!
It will come I am sure, but for now I am gently connecting all the different
parts of my body together; parts which have been disconnected for so long. This
mindful masturbation meditation is more like a time to be with myself rather
than a full blown, wank-and-get-it-over-with type of thing.
I built up my energy sufficiently to get
semi-erect, no bad thing, soft cock massage is something that I enjoy. The main
thing here now is that I feel only a trickle of charge in my body. I can only
do a little bit of physical exercise, first thing; it feels like my body is
slower to warm up these days, so this is one of the ways that I am helping it
get fit too. Now to continue with the report, I stroked my body all over and
did some Kegels, which felt rather limp compared to how they have in the past.
It really is a strange feeling to know what my body can achieve but not yet has
the remembered capacity for it.
D.L.
Day
|
3
|
Intention:
|
To include stretching as part of my MMM.
|
Time:
|
07.20-08.00
|
Duration:
|
40mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Conscious Breathing, Yoga Stretches, a
little dancing and stroking my body, mirror work, Kegels, genital touch
|
Reflection:
My reflection today consists of me
basically saying how much I enjoyed having music playing whilst I
self-pleasured today. I put on some Orchestra Virunga and the grooves and beats
really helped get my hips and back working, and this was a good general way to
begin an erotic practice session. Actually, I say begin, but it went on
throughout the whole thing, which was equally excellent. I’ll include dancing
as part of my practice tomorrow.
Also, I wanted to say that my mind was much
quieter than it was yesterday throughout the session. I was nervous, no,
pre-occupied with what I was going to report on after the session, particularly
because I know that most if not all of what I put in my reports end up on the
internet on my blog – gosh, just writing that word “internet” makes me anxious,
but hey, what can I do? I’m drawn to share this process with knowledgeable,
interested and aware people. I wish it were as simple as that but, for those
that want to make judgments and disadvantageous remarks about it, so what? My
life goes on regardless, and for those to whom it is of benefit, it will be of
great benefit. I am becoming “Mr Wanker” aren’t I?! Not that that is a bad
thing, I just wish sometimes it was more “Mr Sex” but I digress from my report...
I had a quieter mind until the reflection
in the quiet last 5 minutes of stillness. Then I noticed whirring thoughts
begin to kick in. This practice tells me that as I build my energy and charge
over the sessions (I’ve had no “Big Finish” just yet, and I’m not surprised,
the rest of my body is re-learning how to engage in an erotic experience), I
have more opportunity for thoughts to disappear (just like in deep meditation)
and for fantasies to flash by rather than be hurled into and held onto in my
psyche in order to get off. I noticed that a bit today as I neared the end of
the session, I was building some charge, settling into my “enjoyment-joy” and I
dropped in a flash of fantasy (a girl I currently have the hots for), and
whoosh, I went into a spike of “interest-excitement” BUT, I did not stay there,
lingering, hampering for another and another repetition in order to continue
the build. She popped in and then popped out BUT I continued with the conscious
breathing and movement et al and this kept my experience with ME. This then
built up to a nice peak, that rather than ride over into ejaculation, I did the
Big Draw and settled into a vibrating puddle of bliss (a little one for now)
for the quiet 5 at the end.
After the 5 I sensed that my cock and body
(cock in particular) wanted to go around again (probably to lure me into porn
watching and an ejaculatory finish), but one of the joys of this practice is
that I needn’t worry about that; I want to enjoy the charge in my body
throughout the day AND I get to go again tomorrow no problem at all. A little
anticipation goes a long way!
D.L.
Day
|
4
|
Intention:
|
To include dancing in my session
|
Time:
|
09.10-10.10
|
Duration:
|
1 hour
|
Body
Activation:
|
Dancing, Kegels, Stretching, Genital
touch, CB, Anal play, Big Draw, Sounding, toning
|
Reflection:
The main thing to discover today was that
when the initial 30mins was up, I did a small Big Draw and then stayed in the
relaxed place that I landed in, and just like yesterday’s invitation to continue, today I followed that invitation (I had more free time). Rather than go into
porn watching and ejaculation as I had feared yesterday, today I gently aroused
myself and found a sore spot on the shaft of my penis, which connected to the
opening at the tip – genital wounding I feared. So I held the point and began a
low vocal tone to help shift whatever was there. I found I wanted and needed to have
another hand or something over my mouth to muffle the sounds coming out. They
grew and grew from growl to sob and then gently subsided again as I went
further into the relaxation of the meditation.
In actual fact, today was probably the
first day that I felt like I was in the process of dropping into the meditation
fully. Most of the time in the previous sessions I have performed them from
memory, without much sense of what a deep meditation felt like. Today I began
to enter, to drop in, to that sensation, which is why I probably went on for
twice the usual time. No bad thing.
I danced away at the start with music
playing and then my laptop decided to update itself, so I carried on without. I
stood up for most of the initial half of the session and then I sat at the end
of my bed and then lay down. I am often wary of lying down during the practice because I feel like
my energy goes very passive rather than active when I do. Nevertheless, I’m
often feeling encouraged by my body to do it (old habits perhaps?), so I
followed that invitation today, especially when I wanted to explore some anal
play.
I have also noticed that when I have a
strong charge in my erectile shaft, stimulating it initiates the pain in my lower back from
the injury I suffered over a year ago. A similar thing happens when I’m angling
myself for anal play; however, I am convinced that anal massage is something
that would seriously assist a fuller recovery from that back injury. Perhaps I
need to get myself a toy?
Well, anal play, back injury, genital
armoring, dancing, what else? Oh yes, today I started automatically toning.
TONING is great for me. A lot of this practice is about re-claiming my vocal
expression, and the connection between my genitals, heart and voice is a serious
thing to master. It’s an awful feeling to have energy in my pelvis but nothing
connected through my heart to my voice (which I feel is most of the time). I so want to find the
release and joy in my voice but I am afraid I’ll yell the walls down and annoy
the neighbors. This is my fear at the minute because I know that my sexual
calls, grunts and groans are really animalistic. I’ve done them in the forest
and I’ve done them in the jungle before now and – wow! – so, so powerful when
all is released. Damn! Working on it…
D.L.
Day
|
5
|
Intention:
|
To experiment with inviting and riding
bliss in my session.
|
Time:
|
08.50-09.35
|
Duration:
|
45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Dancing, stretching, Kegels, stroking,
Vocal prayer, body touch, genital touch, CB, anal play, Big Draw
|
Reflection:
“When I’m hard, I remember my belly.
When I’m hard, I remember to breathe.
When I’m hard, I remember my heart.
When I’m hard, I remember my voice.
When I’m hard, I remember my feet.
When I’m hard, I remember my asshole.
When I’m hard, I remember my bliss.”
Today I used the prayer above to assist me
in my session. It was one of the guidances given in the Yoga of Sex course that
I re-discovered and it helped me focus on my intention for the session today, which was to go deep into my bliss. To invite it and ride it.
I’d say I was reasonably successful in
doing that. What I notice is that it isn’t until the final 5-10minutes of the
session that I realize my mind has gone quiet and I’m actually pretty deep into
the meditation. Up until that point my mind is still chattering away and my
body, parts of my body, feel quite disconnected to my state of arousal. It’s a
non-aroused state I guess, even though I’m having fun and heading towards the
aroused destination.
Nevertheless, I persisted and the intention
to invite and ride my bliss really helped keep me on track. I have taken to
playing music throughout the session and this is covering some of my
self-consciousness over making sound (something I will address in future
sessions). Simply toning, rather than going for the expected grunts and “aahs”
of passionate lovemaking really helps me feel vocally connected as well as
sexual. Funny isn’t it, that toning and sounding one note or throat
singing can be part of an erotic experience?
It strikes me here that these sessions are
actually about mastering AROUSAL rather than mastering SEX (get the former and
the latter takes care of itself!). I think so much of what we, especially men,
associate with masturbation or self-pleasuring is SEX-orientated in nature i.e.
we fantasize about fucking this or that girl, about holding, tasting, savoring
this or that body part, etc. We forget that our bodies are involved in that
process too, not just the image in the mind. This is a dissociation. What I am
finding here is that the mindful masturbation meditation is helping me include
my body and bodily experiences as the center of my erotic experience, so that
when those fantasies do enter into my mind, they are immediately channeled
through my AROUSAL filter rather than flip the disconnect switch and go into
SEX-mode. Is that clear? Rather, "round about the houses", but it’s an insight that I
had today.
Onwards to tomorrow. I’ll definitely use
the prayer again, and may adapt it to more fully suit my needs. Let’s see. I’m
inclined to change the “When I’m hard…” bit to “I am…my belly, my breath, my
bliss, etc.” Otherwise it could be a bit conditional. That being said, I do
have an intention to embrace and celebrate my erectile capacities, so this
could be a way to do that.
D.L.
Reflection:
I am a sexual chemistry maestro and wizard!
Day
|
6
|
Intention:
|
To channel my sexual arousal into my
heart.
|
Time:
|
12.20-13.20
|
Duration:
|
1hr
|
Body
Activation:
|
Stretching, Yoga, Kegels, Hip thrusting, Mirror
meditation, Genital touch, sounding, toning, anal play, toys.
|
Reflection:
The thing to report here today is that my
heart meditation quickly became a “fuck off” meditation. I stood in front of
the mirror and while concentrating on doing gentle hip thrusting and body activation;
I stroked my face and then grasped my lips and pushed them together in a tight,
muffled grip. I noticed my eyes were fixed on myself in the mirror. This is the
first time that I have had such direct eye contact with myself in these
masturbation meditations and it was powerful. I asked myself what is it that I
want to say, given the physical restrictions and the intentions for today. The
answer came back as a mantra:
“Fuck-er, fuck-er, fuck-her, fuck-her,
fuck-er, fuck-er…”
I wasn’t sure whether that was a “Fucker”
to myself, or a “Fuck her” to someone else. It was a blend of both I guess, but
the sentiment was powerful enough.
It then changed and became, “Fuck you, fuck
you, fuck you, fuck you…”
To then, “Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off,
fuck off…”
And finally to “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck,
fuck me…”
All the time, I was holding eye contact
with myself and noticing the subtle shifts of vulnerability and hurt and pain
that came up. My intention was to draw my sexual energy up to my heart and this
is what I got.
Eventually, I decided to sit in front of
the mirror and engage in genital touch whilst observing myself in this way,
chanting the mantra whenever I was drawn to squeeze my mouth. It
didn’t arise when I left my face alone or stroked it gently. Sometimes I went
for faster strokes on my cock, so as to accelerate and peak my excitement (I’ve
a habit of remaining in the enjoyment-joy side of the arousal chart, because,
well, I enjoy it, but also because I haven’t mastered the other side yet,
probably because it releases a more beastly and brutal side of myself, which I
worry can and will damage my body. Or rather that my body won’t be able to keep
up with it and I’ll be left frustrated).
So I stayed there for some time and the
30mins alarm went off. I knew I wasn’t done yet so I reset it and went over to
the bed where I stuck my ass up in the air and began inserting some anal
beads. A first for me. I found them while clearing out some other stuff the
other day, and I hadn’t yet given them a try. So I did today. It was also the first
time that I have felt comfortable enough to prostrate myself with my bum in the air during
these meditation sessions.
By now I had dropped deeply into the
meditation and I used the pillow that my face was on to muffle the groans,
grunts and repeated cries of “fuck off, fuck you, fuck-er, fuck me, etc” that continued to
come out. It must have helped because I found myself slapping my ass and the
backs and fronts of my thighs, quite firmly. I felt like a reprimanded child –
and it was an erotic experience for me! I wonder why? My body went into an
orgasmic convulsion and I felt deeply relaxed afterwards. Is this the juddering
of releasing traumatic experiences, as written about in Peter Levine’s work? If
so, perhaps this kind of meditation is a great way to access and process gently
and with compassion all sorts of hidden turn-ons. We are full of them anyway
aren’t we? So says Jack Morin.
D.L.
When I stopped for the silent 5 at the end, I
felt a rush of warm energy travel from my hips and pelvis down the back of my
hamstrings and into the soles of both feet, particularly the right one. This
was a delicious feeling and a comforting one too; strength. It felt like
strength in my legs once again. And that is something I need to feel. Strength
in my legs, back and body. More please, more. This practice is restorative.
D.L.
Surprisingly, I knew this was to be a shorter
session, so I chose to keep my attention fixed on me as much as possible, which
I did successfully. I even purposefully turned the screen off when I went for my
Big Draw (Oh, I forgot to mention, this was a Big Draw done after 100 Kegels
with the anal beads pulled taught against my sphincter and my ass in the air -
what an image! – nevertheless, at the culmination I went straight into orgasmic
convulsions). Hooray! That seemed like a good place to wind down my session for
today, so I did.
D.L.
Then I did the same anal beads trick that I
found yesterday. It had the same effect, so I’ll probably continue with that
sort of thing tomorrow too. I must attempt a porn-free session now I feel. Sounds,
grunts and moans are coming, although apart from the pleasure of the taught
anal beads, nothing is feeling as yet an organic pleasure-sound. Oh well, keep
trying, keep exploring. See you tomorrow.
D.L.
I know I have written a lot about wanting to
make more sounds, to connect them to my sexual movements and activity. I’ve
also written about wanting to increase my passion and erectile capacities. Yet
today, I seemed to go in the opposite direction - slow, gentle, and not too
active – but this, I am sure, is a good thing, as it gives me a moment to
reset what I am doing and really tune in to how my body responds to each small
and subtle suggestion from whatever part is wanting to be involved – breath,
touch, sound, image, heat, wetness, cock, mouth, hands, etc., etc., etc.…
Until tomorrow...
D.L.
Day
|
7
|
Intention:
|
To celebrate my heart-belly-genital
connection.
|
Time:
|
10.00-12.15
|
Duration:
|
2.5hrs
|
Body
Activation:
|
Yoga stretching, Kegels, mirror
meditation, stroking, tapping, Genital Touch, Healthy Porn Watching, Anal play,
CB
|
Reflection:
Okay this seems like a massive session
today doesn’t it? To be honest, I included the 20mins stretch that I do
everyday as well. I haven’t quite figured out at what point I transfer to the
MMM, but hey ho, it will become clearer as I go.
Also, I have to admit, I felt rather bored at
points today too, because I was being so kind and gentle with myself. The
whole, belly-heart-genitals thing seemed to take ages getting me aroused and
content. I stroked and caressed my face and body and this was nice and good,
but didn’t really get me fired up. I discovered more chants and mantras
emerging, such as “Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind…” again and again as I caressed my
foreskin and the tip of my penis. It went on and on for a while before more
“lost, uncertain, bored” thoughts, feelings and sayings arose too.
I lay down for a lot of the session today,
only to realize that I could probably catch a glimpse of porn if I stood up. So
I did. Happy to say I stayed upright for most of my viewing. It was quite short
and sweet and the fact that I started the MMM beforehand meant that it wasn’t
too long before I found myself desiring to remain solo and not be dragged into
the long-term passive viewing. It did tempt me, believe me. I was very tempted,
but, remembering my INTENTION, I was drawn back to myself.
I’ve a lot of sadness going on in my heart
at the moment I can feel it. That sadness transfers as anger and aggression. I
know that I am desiring to exorcise my hurt and emotional pain through
aggressive sex and self-pleasuring. The thing is it isn’t really cooperating at
the moment and that leads to more frustration. I did begin to discover the
motivating words and phrases that activated my interest-excitement arousal.
They were coarse and revenge-driven towards certain ex-lovers and could-a,
should-a, would-a been lovers. It wasn’t particularly pleasant on the superficial
surface, but, healing wise, I found it allowed me a more heart-centred (albeit a hurting heart)
approach to my MMM – and the assertive self-pleasuring that I so desired began
to emerge.
Most of the time, if I sit at the end of my
bed with my legs open, touching my genitals, I activate a pain in my lower
back, which completely interrupts my arousal, and often kills it completely.
So, I’ve been exploring different positions that can help keep it safe and
comfortable. So far I have one or two, such as kneeling upright and supporting
my weight on my hands. When I discovered this, my energy (the assertive “yang”
type) ran much more freely, and I was able to notice the noises, words, sounds,
emotions, sensations, emerging from my heart. This is definitely a way to go
for future sessions.
D.L.
Day
|
8
|
Intention:
|
To discover my passion.
|
Time:
|
11.25-12.25
|
Duration:
|
1hr
|
Body
Activation:
|
Stretches, Kegels, body stroking,
tapping, dancing, CB, PHI Breath Cycle, genital touch, HPWatching, anal play,
toys
|
Reflection:
Today I went for discovering my passion and
I’m not sure whether that came through or not. I actually woke up this morning
pain free in my lower back and so that really helped me get my engine going
with more vigorous movements.
I was expecting passion to mean passionate
– more yang – and I was also expecting passion to be what turns me on and gets
me going. This is why I say I’m not sure if I discovered that because there was
nothing specific that jumped into my head before, during or afterwards. The decision to explore it as an intention came
from the revelations yesterday of the coarse words and revenge-fueled
fantasies. I wondered whether that was it. No matter. Today was as it was –
enjoyable, interesting, curious and arousing.
I spent more time with the stretches today
and didn’t count them in the MMM session. I went straight from them into the
body touch, slapping and tapping my body. I also went straight to the mirror to
look at myself (something that I find initiates my MMM session and lets me know
who I am and where I am). I was reminded of Da Vinci’s “Vetruvian Man” image as
I stood there and considered having it tattooed onto my chest as a symbol of
something or other. Why not? Anyway, I began this way and, feeling less pain in
my lower back than usual, I went into the 4-part breath cycle from my
Pelvic-Heart Integration training.
This breath cycle is very powerful and I
had forgotten the first step, usually just going straight in to the charging
breath. I backtracked and took it slowly and carefully, watching myself in the
mirror, particularly noticing the rotation of my body as my pelvis swung back
and forth. It all went well until I switched to the discharging breath when the
sounds came out quite loud and echoed around this acoustically live room that I
have, and I became self-conscious of the noise and the neighbours. However, rather than cut off the noise, I shortened the cycle, which left me
feeling rather unbalanced for the 4th part. Something frustrating
again, but no matter. I must have charged up sufficiently because I trembled
and twitched at the culmination; watching myself standing doing this in the
mirror was curiously startling.
I repeated this a second time and then went
over to the laptop to do some Healthy Porn Watching. I stood and was feeling
more centered and aroused following the breath cycles. The viewing was good (I
am using it more to peak my arousal initially and to provide a focal point for my
eyes should they need it – this is different to fixation, as I’ll explain). I
quickly chose one piece of footage and kept it going on a loop (I’m not
browsing so much because this is the dangerous dopamine-firing reward loop
thing that passive porn viewing feeds off). I made sure that I was all the time
coming back to myself, be it by looking away, breathing or sounding, or
slapping and tickling my body. I noticed that I sometimes forget to breathe
when I am watching particularly arousing footage, so using the aforementioned
techniques helped keep me focused on myself rather than disassociate and
project onto "her".
D.L.
Day
|
9
|
Intention:
|
To investigate sensual movements
|
Time:
|
10.20-12.10
|
Duration:
|
1hr50mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Stretches, dancing, Kegels, HPWatching,
Genital touch, CB, anal play, toys.
|
Reflection:
I think it’s clear how Porn watching
interrupts the natural progression of these sessions for me. I had set myself a
30min alarm as usual, but I found myself intrigued as to the porn I was
watching and 'lo and behold, almost two hours had passed before I decided enough
was enough. Thank goodness for my screen saver that kept coming on every 10mins
or so, because it meant I had to get up and click it off as I was lying on my bed
some distance from the screen. A much healthier way to engage with the material for sure, but what a distraction.
Dear me, I seem to rely on it; especially today as I chose to put it on to see if
I could peak my arousal more quickly. Well, given that I had a loose gut
beforehand that was unlikely.
My intention was to explore my sensuality,
which I did for the majority of the session. No, I tell a lie, I started my
session like this because of my dodgy gut, but as soon as I found footage of
interest (no clicking on from there, I just let it play), I forgot about my
intention and got glued in to the screen. Eventually I remembered the intention
and almost forced myself to adhere to the impulses arising from it, rather than
continue in my quite passive way watching and pleasuring, watching and
pleasuring.
I went for a lot of Kegels today too. Oh, a lot of
Kegels! On and on I went, mainly to avoid friction burn (I think the oil I am using is causing an irritation), and to keep my sexual energy turning over as I waited for moments of interest in the footage, and in my own bodily responses. I just did them and explored lots of stroking of my
body at the same time (I use a lot of oil, which is nice – perhaps a different scent is what I
will use next). I grasped my penis with both hands and just held it as I went
through 100 Kegels. I repeated this sequence several times throughout the two-hour
session.
D.L.
Day
|
10
|
Intention:
|
To practice without screen input (zero porn).
|
Time:
|
09.15-10.05
|
Duration:
|
50mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Stroking, Conscious Breathing (CB), Kegels,
gentle tapping, genital touch, sounding
|
Reflection:
Number ten was a very gentle session for me
today. I did it without porn today and I found myself going straight into the
session from waking up. Usually I have a whole routine planned out before I go
into it, but today I either felt adventurous or lazy and took the time to arouse myself out of my slumber.
Of course this is something that I have
done before in a more passive way, so I was concerned that it would unfold as
passively as it had done in the past. Nevertheless, I persisted with the
gentle, gentle caresses and conscious breathing in my horizontal position. I
was not attempting anything vigorous unless it came from the impulses in my
body. I had my eyes closed for the vast majority of the session and I placed
one hand over my mouth and throat (alternately) as my other one held my cock.
Interestingly, I found some constriction in
my throat (hence why I put my hand there, not to asphyxiate myself, but to
alleviate the tension I felt inside), while I was stimulating my cock and balls. It felt like
I was just cutting myself off, no matter what breathing or sounding I did. I
began to inhale twice in succession quickly through my nose and this seemed to
change the dynamic somehow by activating more of my pc muscles. So I explored
this for some time too.
Also, I placed a pillow under my lower back
in order to arch it a little bit and give me better access to my cock without
straining the vertebra in the pelvic tilt. Discomfort here is something that I
have experienced quite regularly when self-pleasuring in the past; so using a
pillow was a different experience. I got to relax into the new position, which
also meant allowing my body to open itself up across my chest and throat area
too.
Until tomorrow...
D.L.
Day
|
11
|
Intention:
|
To arouse my eroticism
|
Time:
|
10.30-12.10
|
Duration:
|
1hr40mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Dancing, Stretching, Kegels, CB, PHI Breath Cycle, HPW,
Genital Touch, Stroking
|
Reflection:
To be honest, my practice today was all
over the place. It took me forever to wake up and start the thing and when I
did it was with a check-in for HPW, and that led me to ignore certain parts of
the session. Consequently, I went back and forth with my other morning routine
tasks as I dropped in and out with the HPW. This was arousing my eroticism? I’m
not sure. It certainly mucked about with the MMM as an erotic ritual.
So, I did my morning stretches and drifted
straight into the session with self-touch and Kegels. This then took me to the
bed where I lay down and started with genital touch alongside the ever-present
Kegels and CB. Actually I let my breath slow down to almost nothing today; it
wasn’t really going anywhere, charging-wise and, as I say before, the HPW (which I had playing
and so I occasionally glanced up at it) tends to have me hold my breath.
I also noticed today much more strongly
than before, the way that the screen switches my attention away from my body.
It was like, however much I wanted to dip into and explore my own eroticism, as
soon as the screen was on, the switch in my brain just flipped and I had to
work hard, to focus hard, on keeping my attention on myself. I’d say I was
about 50/50 successful in that respect.
Of course, HPW could be used as a
kick-starter, like I did today, but I wouldn’t want to rely on it, no sir, so
this practice for me is a way to get off of that. It does happen, because now
that I have finished the session, the temptation to browse rather than do some
productive work is much less of a temptation. You could say that the MMM helps
one feel satiated and energized throughout the day. I certainly feel much more
sexual in my everyday presence, BUT I also feel much more contentment with the
interactions that I have. Sure there is sexual chemistry, much more thank
goodness, and I feel like I am bathing in it rather than attempting to suck it
dry, bat it away, or shape it into something more satisfying. For this
practice, such an ongoing result is rather wonderful.
D.L.
Very good in the end. I felt my anus and pc muscles clench
as the sexual energy bubbled around inside. Very good. I feel it right now, actually… a pleasant side effect to engaging in this MMM: ongoing erotic awareness, responsiveness and sensitivity. Aho!
D.L.
Day
|
12
|
Intention:
|
To practice without genital touch, and to
explore movement as part of the MMM
|
Time:
|
11.00-11.50
|
Duration:
|
50mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Mirror meditation, Heart affirmations,
Dancing, stretching, Conscious Breathing, PHI Breath Cycle, stroking,
tapping, hip thrusting, Kegels, Big Draw
|
Reflection:
Affirmations for healing the heart chakra
...
“I am
loved.
I
forgive naturally and easily.
I
give and receive love freely.
My
heart is full.
I
welcome the difference of others.
It is
my nature to heal.
I
have so much to be grateful for.
The
love that I give comes back to me many times over.
I am
at peace.”
Today I made the conscious effort to
practice without using genital touch. I wanted to see if I could build and enjoy
my sexual energy without genital stimulation or healthy porn watching. I
believe I have been successful.
I came across the above heart affirmations
and I felt like that would be a good thing to use as part of the session today.
It was what I began my mirror meditation with and I kept it going, speaking and
eye gazing with myself, all the way through the first 30mins until the alarm went
off.
There was one moment when I found myself
thrusting energetically and enjoying watching my cock and balls swing to and
fro as I spoke the words, “The love that I give comes back to me many times
over”. It was after about 20mins of repeating the phrases methodically and
rhythmically that something began to release inside of me. I think switched to
the PHI breathing as a way of discovering whether it was in the charging or
discharging phase that my enjoyment resided. My conclusion was that it came in
the discharge, but only because sufficient input had been put in there using
the charging breath first. I only had a little to dance with but it felt like a
lot.
Other than that, the session climaxed with
a Big Draw. I wasn’t sure if I could peak my arousal sufficiently in order to
execute a decent Big Draw, but having spent the time not touching my genitals,
I decided to use what I had learned about conscious breathing and movement,
such as hip thrusting with my arms above my head (which looks very sexy in the
mirror), as well as affirmative words such as I had been using before. I
increased the pace at which I did these things, specifically my breathing, and
this really helped to build the energy of what I was doing. I didn’t feel the
“tipping point” in my cock that I usually do before the Big Draw, but my energy
(and sounds) did build up to a good level. Consequently, I executed the Big
Draw whilst standing and then trembled my way to lying down as I rested for the
silent 5 at the end.
D.L.
Day
|
13
|
Intention:
|
To lubricate my body
|
Time:
|
10.15-11.00
|
Duration:
|
45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Stretching, dancing, HPW, genital touch,
jumping, skipping, Kegels, CB
|
Reflection:
What to say about today’s session? It was
okay I guess. So far, I am not reaching the heights nor the depths of erotic
meditation as I was before. On the plus side, I am strengthening my body and
discovering how to use it once again as an erotic machine.
This is the journey of my erotic
meditations so far. I don’t know how mindful I am as to the focus of my
session. I get distracted easily and I am kept out of the depths of my practice
by something unknown to me yet. Perhaps it is the city noises; cars and traffic
passing by my window. Or perhaps it is my own lack of focus or commitment to
enjoyment that I have. Sure, I keep going with these sessions, but where do
they lead me, I wonder? 30-days on and then I stop? What then? I try and I try
and I try, but nothing to motivate my commitment like routine.
I don’t know. I watched myself today in a
recording of an erotic meditation that I did as part of my session today. It
was okay, but a bit like watching porn; confusing, distracting, neither my
experience nor anyone else’s, even though the person I saw was me.
I am distracted. I am about to leave and
change location for the next 3 days, so these reports may come in a little
later should the internet connection be down. I will be attempting to
self-pleasure outside in nature. At the very least I will be free from traffic
sounds; only running water, chants and jungle. Maybe this will activate my
bliss. I don’t know.
“Don’t know” often means I am on the cusp
of a breakthrough so we shall see. I didn’t play any music today, nor did I
make so many sounds. Little by little, my voice is coming to me and I am
discovering whether or not I am to make open or closed sounds with/for my
pleasure. There are no set rules, just exploration. We shall see…
D.L.
D.L.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow. Thanks for
waiting for the updates!
D.L
It was a powerful experience and closer to what
I would expect from this sort of MMM. My anal sphincter felt quite sore
afterwards (a sign of some held tension being activated and released, rather
than discomfort), so I am optimistic of releasing more of that in the future.
Good.
D.L.
Day
|
14
|
Intention:
|
To relax my body in nature. To use the
PHI Breath Cycle. To activate my bliss.
|
Time:
|
16.25-16.55
|
Duration:
|
30mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
PHI Breath Cycle, Walking meditation,
genital touch, Big Draw, Affirmations, sounding, toning, hip thrusting,
outdoors jungle.
|
Reflection:
“Go be wonderful. Go be the wonderful that
you are.”
I write this now after spending time out in
the jungle rainforest during the rainy season. I went for a walk alone with the
sole purpose of finding a private spot to conduct this MMM. I walked upwards
into the mountains for 15mins and as I walked I felt my body naturally respond
to the vibrancy of the nature by beginning the charging breath from the PHI
cycle. I must have been doing the safe, secure breath beforehand as part of the
hike. I did it as a walking meditation and the meditative aspect of it meant
that I was breathing slowly and gently through my nose, settling into my body.
No wonder I then responded as I did.
I found my spot and placed a towel down on
the succulent ground. Thankfully there were no creatures to be disturbed or
found – apart from the mosquitos who became something of a bane as I undressed
myself and lubricated my body. Silly me for picking this time to conduct the
session; 4-5pm is when the trickier denge-fever-carrying ones like to come out.
But, touch wood, I splattered the deadlier ones and the others then left me
alone. Still I digress…
I must have charged up enormously because I
found myself undressed and highly aroused by the surroundings. Oh, how I would
have loved to have dropped even further into the meditation were it not for
those darn mosquitos! Perhaps next time. I stood up naked, facing out across
the rainforest and I began to do the PHI Breath Cycle. It wasn’t long before I
completed the 4 parts: longer charging breath, shorter time on the discharging
and merging breaths. I was so drawn to lie down facing up amongst the trees, so
I did and just as I oiled myself down across my penis and chest, it began to
pour with rain.
Oh, this was bliss. It wasn’t cold and I
began to pleasure myself, calling out; sighs, groans and moans of pleasure.
Strangely enough, I began speaking passionately in Spanish, which escalated my
arousal even more! I have no idea why that is, perhaps because the
Latin/Iberian fever activates a more passionate part of me? No idea. Still, the
process was wonderfully activating and arousing. And short-lived! I must have
climaxed twice within the first 15mins of the session! The first one I caught
most of the peak with a Big Draw, but I just could not contain my timing for
the second one and – boom! – I climaxed once again. By now it was raining hard
and I was getting occupied with how wet my things were getting and the presence
of the mosquitos, but, rather than deem the session a failure, I eased myself
into the next 15mins, standing and dressing slowly, using the towel to cover
and protect me.
I dressed and sounded as I went. Slowly,
slowly, as this was going to be my silent 5 at the end of the session. So at
times I stopped in a standing position, closed my eyes, closed my palms
together in front of my chest and breathed slowly and gently, allowing my
arousal to percolate and generate further wisdom for myself.
It was then that I began chanting
affirmations out to the space, expressing my gratitude for being witnessed and
celebrated by the jungle (for it is alive and has many, many eyes), and also
expressing my gratitude for myself and for being able and alive to do such
things as self-pleasure outside in the warmth and the rain. Wonderful. I have
noticed that my affirmations (or prayers if you want to call them that) have a
pattern of beginning with “you” and after some time, they become “I” or “me”.
Almost as if I need some time asking for something from or giving something to
another before I can give it or receive it myself.
A couple of examples from today would be
something like this:
“We
are sexually satisfied” … “I sexually satisfy you”… “You sexually satisfy me” …
“I am sexually satisfied” … “I am a wonderful lover” … “I love me” … “I am
enough” …
“Thank
you for seeing me” … “Thank you for
receiving me” … “Thank you for receiving my love” … “I am love” … “I am capable
of receiving love” … “I love myself” … “I am enough” …
And so it goes. The session ended with me
screaming “YES!!” three times into the earth and then into the sky (with one
extra for luck). I then conducted with a slow walking meditation back down, as my final silent 5.
Aho.
D.L.
Day
|
15
|
Intention:
|
To offer my arousal as praise to Mother
Nature
|
Time:
|
11.50-12.50
|
Duration:
|
1hr
|
Body
Activation:
|
Waterfall meditation, Kegels, genital
touch, CB
|
Reflection:
Well, what an experience that was!
Yesterday I went up to the mountains to self-pleasure and today I found a
secluded spot by the river to do the same thing. It was a shiveringly wonderful
experience.
Usually I like to do a meditation under waterfalls, so I thought that would be a good way to start it, however, I
soon realized that part of that meditation scares the shit out of me as I get
pounded by the water; the meditation helps me cross that barrier. Consequently,
I felt rather resistant to merge the two because I was finding it hard to align
the unnerved shivering with the relaxation needed for arousal.
I did, however, find that once my body
temperature had adjusted to the chill of the water, I could position myself facing the oncoming water, and the pressure of the swell against my chest,
crotch and thighs became a source of arousal. I levered myself down into the
water, using my arms and legs on the rocks as support. I then slowly and gently
started to raise and lower my hips in the water; I was making love to the
waterfall! I did have momentary images and fantasies of whom I may be making
love to here, but really this was an attunement exercise; the water element
penetrating me as I did her. Wow, super sexy!
I then searched for a sunnier spot in which
to conduct my genital touch. Arousing as the waterfall thrusting was, the chill
hardly made for a raging erection. Nevertheless, after some searching further
down stream, I found slower waters, sunlight and privacy in which to undress and
calm my shivers down.
I had brought oil with me, so I began to
lubricate my cock and torso. At first I sat on a nearby rock and began
massaging my genitals as I focused on my breathing. I was quite self-conscious,
even though I knew the place was private. The jungle is alive after-all, so as
I felt myself dropping into deeper states of arousal, my listening became more
and more attuned to the subtle changes in the environmental noise. Was that a
crack of a footstep nearby, or a leaf falling onto some old bamboo? Was that
the scuttle of someone in the bushes, or a lizard dashing away from my groans
and erotic sounds? Hard to tell but at moments I didn't care either way! Oh, for
more moments like that!
Eventually, and rather surprisingly, I felt
a shift in my awareness. I had stroked and massaged my cock intermittently
throughout the session, and in various states of hardness. However, on two
occasions during the latter stages of the MMM (the second was as a result of
checking if what I had experienced the first time was real), I found myself
almost completely attuned to lovemaking with the environment. I know that
sounds odd right, but I checked! If I tried to stay “private” in my
self-pleasuring i.e. keeping alert to noises and fantasizing about certain body
parts or people, then I got a bit stuck. However, as soon as I lifted my
attention and opened my focus to consider the presence and abundance in the
surrounding environment, then it was like a switch went off in my crotch. My
pelvis took off with rocking and thrusting, and again, the jungle fucked me
back. The rocks, the trees, the river, the leaves, they all screamed “YES!” to
the pleasure that they were giving me and I was giving them. This may have
started as an imagination exercise (let’s say I fantasized I was fucking
somebody outdoors there, I then switched my imagination to include the trees,
the river, etc. as witnesses and partners in the fucking), but it quickly
became a felt experience with my body
responding, as I hope it would, to a real-life, “human” partner.
It also made me think that perhaps it is
time for me to re-learn some of those Tantric/Taoist exercises for increasing transcendental
states during lovemaking once again. My energy peaked and I conducted a Big
Draw – retaining some, if not all, of my ejaculate – and dissolving into a
quivering mass of erotic pleasure on the tree branch that I supported myself
on.
I sat quietly for some time after this,
allowing my erotic energy to settle into my body. Gradually, I took to lying
face down in the shallow water, my cock resting gently in the sandy riverbed. I
felt the chill of the oncoming water spread over me, but this time, the
twitches were smaller and kicked like sparks of erotic energy. It opened up a
sounding tone in me and I called “Om” three times into the water as an
expression of my satisfaction and gratitude. I turned over in the water and let
my head fall back. I remembered to loosen my jaw, even though I was clenching
it to resist the cold. As soon as I did this, my body trembled once more, and I
was reminded again of Peter Levine’s instructions to allow the body to tremor
as a way of eliminating past trauma in the body. It struck me that on some
level (and not just my body responding to the cold water), the trembling that
was happening in this water – and the same later on when I changed my position
to a uterine spot where the water converged between two rocks and I conducted
my own re-birthing ritual – that the longer I stayed there, the more past
trauma I would be releasing.
Indeed, after a short time allowing my body
to tremor and my jaw to relax, I felt a wave of calmness, stillness and
relaxation come over me. This was where I ended my session for today. I left
the spot feeling invigorated, aware, connected and calm inside. Bliss. Happy
halfway.
D.L.
Day
|
16
|
Intention:
|
To attune my body to city noises and
sounds
|
Time:
|
10.00-11.30
|
Duration:
|
1hr30mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Genital touch, HPW, CB, Kegels, stroking,
Anal play, toys, Big Draw
|
Reflection:
Huh. That was that, then. I came back early
today from the retreat and found myself gazing at some camera porn almost as
soon as I got through the door. Why? The reasoning in my head said, “Oh, look
at the time, I could check if such and such is online…” Blah! I did, they
weren’t but I stayed looking anyway.
Thank goodness then that I reminded myself
of my intention, and the blessings of the trees and the jungle streams that I
so enjoyed recently. Oh, as soon as I recalled that I felt my body open a
little and come away from the distraction of the screen. I came back into
myself and found more and more sparks of arousal and eroticism to enjoy.
I am sooo a nature-boy! The rivers and
mountains and heat and rain and, yes, the mosquitos and bugs, all brought so
much more to my erotic practice than I could ever envisage happening here. In
this concrete room I find myself locked into unsatisfying habits and
fantasizing about sex or body parts with others (closely followed by some block
because of my connection with sex, love, heartbreak and erotic dissatisfaction
– whatever). It feels so impersonal and individual here. Separate. Whereas in
the jungle everything was involved in my practice. Everything. And it was all positive and supportive. Why oh why do I
live in this concrete box here? No way man, I’m heading out for some more magic
as soon as I can!
My session here – in the search for a
positive – although it didn’t really feel erotic (I’ve got to buy some plants
and things to bring the outside inside while I am here, for sure), I did manage
to open myself, to soften into the city sounds. I used the same proprioceptive
awareness that I used in the jungle to include the traffic and closed nature of
the space here. This helped soften me somewhat and allow the energy to flow
much better I feel. I dialogued with myself (sometimes in Spanish, sometimes in
English) pretty much all the way through. Some was coarse words; some words
were loving and kind. These were the positives to this session and they are the
points that I will attempt to build on in subsequent sessions. If I can get
myself and it to work here, then I will be a happy chappy.
D.L
Day
|
17
|
Intention:
|
To surrender to my love.
|
Time:
|
12.15-13.00
|
Duration:
|
45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Shaking, Mirror meditation, Kegels, Mouth
massage, genital touch, anal play
|
Reflection:
It appears that I have manifested two, no
three beautiful beings into my life at the moment, hence why I had taken two
days off from this MMM. I have had many dramatic revelations in the last few
days and so I brought a key ingredient of those revelations into my MMM today.
I have been told, “I am worthy”, “surrender to my heart”, “embody my
surrendering and receive”. These may sound like far out concepts to you –
assuming you have read this far – but in actual fact, they are highly personal
messages that resonate deeply with me. So, sorry, I’m not going to explain them!
My meditation today consisted of almost
entirely a mirror meditation. I started with shaking my body, as I haven’t done
that for a while yet. I shook and shook, sometimes large sometimes small. I had
my eyes closed for portions of it, but my intention was to connect deeply with
myself in the mirror, so once the shaking got less mechanical and more fluid, I
opened my eyes more and stayed with what was occurring.
Same too once I began the mirror
meditation. I spent some time just resting my hands on various parts of my
body, specifically my heart, belly and cock. I then started reciting, like a
mantra, “I am worthy. I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy…” This then
developed into, “my cock is worthy, my belly is worthy, my breath is worthy, my
love is worthy, my desire is worthy, my voice is worthy…” All the time, I was
reinforcing and asserting those beliefs into my being. If there were any parts
of my body that called for attention, I gave it to it with my breath, my
intention, my voice and my touch.
Incidentally (and here’s another discovery
I will spend other sessions focusing on), as I was working with my worthiness,
I found myself putting a finger into my mouth and discovering and exploring
various sore spots and stretches with my lips, gum, and jaw tendons and
muscles. Some were really sore, BUT once I held them and allowed them to
express whatever discomfort they were in, I often found myself highly aroused
and twitching with orgasmic energy.
As a result, I decided to merge pleasure
and pain together, by caressing my cock with one hand whilst I massaged and
held my mouth with the other. This was a powerful combination and I will be
doing it again in the future. It also allowed me to become sufficiently aroused
to conduct a deeper range of anal massage than previously. In this set of 15
sessions, my anal play has been more surface- based and not deeply penetrating
because I haven’t been feeling sufficiently aroused. Today, however, the mouth
massaging helped change that and I explored deeper into my anal cavity,
pressing and holding a finger against the prostate wall. Again this proved to
be orgasmic and I found my sexual energy charging and shifting the depth of my
meditation and raising the animalistic qualities. This brought me to climax and
I found myself staring penetratingly at myself in the mirror, asserting, “I
love you, I love you, I love you.”
D.L.
Day
|
18
|
Intention:
|
To celebrate myself and embrace the full
moon
|
Time:
|
21.00-22.45
|
Duration:
|
1hr 45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Outdoor full moon meditation, indoor
chanting, toning, singing, body tapping, jumping jacks, CB, Kegels, Masculine
& Feminine affirmations, genital touch, anal play, mouth massage.
|
Reflection:
Oh my. Well, I’ve missed doing these
meditations again for a few days. This time due to receiving an intensive
amount of bodywork, so it has been a pleasure to resurrect this practice as a
full moon celebration. I started outside on the roof of my building, sitting
topless facing the full moon and meditating for 20minutes. Once I had finished
that, I gently began moving my body and this brought me to standing. Of course,
once I had stood up I dropped my trousers and opened my arms facing the bright
moon and relishing the cool breeze brushing around my naked body.
I then went indoors and began to sing and
chant and tone. I decided to cover my mouth at various points as the energy
began to move and this brought me louder and louder. Still, it was the first
time that I sounded and toned (and sometimes even emitted words) in
a constant sense of connected flow. I faced the direction of the moon as I did
this, and aimed to remain that way throughout the session.
I tapped and slapped and articulated my
body as I circulated my breathing and did my Kegels. I began some PHI breath
cycle too and this was where the affirmations came in. I found that hearing
(sometimes out loud, sometimes just holding it in my head) a supportive
masculine saying, “I’ve got your back.
I’m with you all the way. Go for it, son, I’ve got your back”, and hearing
a receptive feminine saying, “Give it to
me baby, give me all you’ve got, I want your gifts so that I can give them
right back to you through the heart. Give it to me”, was like lighting the
torch paper. My arousal sparked into a fullness of life that it hasn’t
experienced in a long while. I felt it go right through my body from the root of my perineum and
connect up some of the dots inside. My breath pattern changed to a faster and
faster masculine breath, which then became the merging breath. I was then
covering my mouth and as I began to howl and growl like and animal.
My animal became very awake and alert, and
I dribbled, drawled, barked and howled through clenched teeth and assertive
thrusting. I got onto all fours and continued this way for some time. I wasn’t
completely hard, but my cock was really responding to the energy moving through
my body, rather than being contained and charged in it. As soon as I let go and
stopped my body convulsed in orgasmic pleasure. (This is the part that I
rarely, if ever, allow intimates to see. It’s such a primal, vulnerable part of
me, and considering I began head-butting the bed as I orgasmed, it could be
quite dangerous for them too!). Still, I’d love to share it with them someday.
My energy then shifted again and I began to
massage the inside of my mouth. Oh, more dribble and drool, but now I was
pleasuring my cock as I carefully and gently explored and held as many sore
spots inside my mouth as I could find (and there were plenty of them!). I tried
this before in a previous session and it is a really powerful thing for me to
do. Again, something I’d love to be witnessed doing. It’s revealing and the
sounds that come out of it are touching, and beautiful, as well as unnerving.
I did this until the sensations climaxed
into orgasm and then passed, and I took to pleasuring my asshole instead. This
brought me my third orgasm of the session (or was it the fourth, fifth? I lost
count). The alarm had long since gone off and been silenced (I’m thinking now I
should explore using a gag…). I did use my gag reflex to shift the energy up
from my pelvis and – boom! – another convulsing orgasm.
I finished lying on my back, with a Big
Draw. I had started muttering the affirmations to myself and hearing, “Give it to me baby, give it to me” over
and over (by now the voice was no longer my own, who knows who it was –
everywoman and no-woman perhaps?), peaked my arousal sufficiently to bring me to
my edge and a delightful conclusion to a fully, full moon intense erotic
practice session. I’m now off to gaze at Grandmother Moon for a good 30mins
too.
D.L.
Day
|
19
|
Intention:
|
To surrender to my downwards and upwards
flow.
|
Time:
|
11.25-12.40
|
Duration:
|
1hr 15mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Chanting into dancing, into self-touch,
tapping, genital play, hip thrusting, mouth meditation, anal play, Kegels,
CB, affirmations and Big Draw
|
Reflection:
Today I have been fortunate to discover a
5Rhythms’ mix put together especially for last night’s full moon. Consequently,
I decided to conduct my Mindful Masturbation Meditation alongside chanting and
it. I chanted for 15mins with the music playing and this carried me over into
dancing and conscious breathing.
I undressed and stayed with the pleasure of
the movements and the sounds of the chanting in my head and out loud. I began
to oil my body and tap and massage certain parts of it, depending on the tempo
of the music and the rate of my breathing. I touched myself all over – belly,
body, mouth, chest, legs, genitals, eyes face – as much of myself as the rhythm
of the music and my building desire allowed.
Once again I conducted a mouth meditation,
and brought in the affirmations that I discovered last night. I still have sore
points in there, but really, to gently press and caress them alongside
self-pleasuring my genitals is a wonderful thing. It allows my sounds to emerge
from a connected, grounded place – something I have set as an intention for
mastering once again in these 30 sessions.
I wonder about the pleasure I feel when the
inside of my mouth is caressed and the sore places release sound – it’s not the
sexiest look in the world I can tell you, but my goodness, does it feel good.
This is why I wish to be witnessed experiencing this. For sure a compassionate
witness would resonate with the magic that is inside. Should, could, lovers
watch each other doing this? They would learn so much about their partner –
their preferred rhythms, their points of embarrassment and shame, their hidden
passions and desires. Wow.
Really, I’m just beginning to scratch the
surface of what is possible for me erotically, but the last two experiences for
me (after a little, bodywork and loving break) are really paving the way for
how and where I am to go next. Wonderful.
D.L.
The end of the session (the ejaculation) then
took me into a deep, deep silent 5. This was the highlight for me really. The silent 5 at the end of the session
actually turned into a deep meditative journey that must’ve lasted another good
hour. I was journeying mentally alongside the playlist that I mentioned. It
must’ve completed and then gone onto another one because I was deep, deep into
it – so much so I recall swimming under water and then standing up in it, but,
not being convinced I was fully out of it, my body failed to breathe in. I had
to persuade it to do so, cautiously and carefully, just in case I was wrong and
I really was under water. It was scary momentarily because it felt like such a
huge mental effort to get my body to function, as it should. I was scared. It
had echoes of sleep apnea perhaps – the same condition that took my teachers’
life one year ago today. If so, I must be connecting into all sorts of stuff –
and feeling drained because of it? Or is it because I am resisting or not
grounding it? Who knows? Rest again tonight and let’s see what happens tomorrow…
D.L.
The use of the blindfold meant that I got to
explore some fears of being seen and not being able to locate noises and other
movements. I also got to explore fantasies of making love to others with my
eyes open in the pitch dark. Unusual, yet useful.
D.L.
Day
|
20
|
Intention:
|
To honor my deceased teacher
|
Time:
|
15.30-18.15
|
Duration:
|
2hrs45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
HPW, Dancing, Kegels, genital, body
touch, stroking, CB.
|
Reflection:
What an experience I had today. Not in a
good way. Yes, I had the intention to honor my teachers’ passing, but my
goodness my energy (mental, physical and emotional) has just been spent. I have
been on the floor today, so why I managed to do this over three hours is
probably a reflection of that energy level.
I didn’t even know that I had started
really. I knew that I was browsing a bit of porn to alleviate my boredom and
try and pick up my energy a bit (oh, so many spelling mistakes already in
typing up this reflection – another sign of my exhaustion). I decided that
since I was doing that and I had this commitment to fulfill today, I would do
myself a favor and combine them into one. So I set my intention and began with
some deep breaths and Kegels. I then put on a dance playlist from a previous
session and I let that guide my small, dance movements.
Yes, the porn was silenced but (too late)
the dopamine had kicked in from the browsing so I got rather stuck in flicking
through that, and my mind wandered from my intention. The music was still
playing a guiding a journey (it was the 5Rhythms’ one), so who knows where I
went. I drifted in and out of conscious breathing, intention reminders and porn
watching, as I touched and caressed my body. I didn’t have so much energy for
sounds (probably being “hooked into” the porn and my energy mood didn’t help
it), but one or two came. I spent most of the session lying on my back.
Speaking of coming, today I did for the
first time “properly” – meaning I allowed it to happen. It was more out of
boredom and frustration than “with abandon” as I like it to happen, but hey –
crap session, crap ejaculation, get over it. As my energy returns, I’ll go
again.
D.L.
Day
|
21
|
Intention:
|
To self-pleasure without expectation
|
Time:
|
21.30-22.15
|
Duration:
|
45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Mirror meditation, Kegels, PHI Breath
Cycle, genital touch, anal play, music playlist
|
Reflection:
Quite a remarkable session today actually.
I decided to keep it short and to explore without expectation. I had been
resting all day with some energy depletion, so it was important today’s
session was low-key and that I was gentle with myself.
I sat in front of a mirror for almost all
of the session. I gazed into my eyes and spent some time looking at my naked
body and genitals as I caressed all of them. Most of the time I held my own
gaze and this brought out a grimace expression. I was snarling at myself and
growling for most of the session, if I was making any sounds at all.
I had started with 100 Kegels and then I
began a slow PHI Breath Cycle. This was a gentle beginning to the session,
which also gave me a chance to experiment with accelerating my breath pattern,
and to notice what happened in my arousal and/or breath. The thing I noticed
most of all was that as I accelerated my breathing, my awareness spiked. I
became much more occupied with the noise I was making and the impact it might
be having on the surrounding environment and neighbours. This is something that
bothers me, because I am sure it is a block to my arousal.
Well, I covered my mouth with one (and then
both) of my hands, which helped alleviate some of my preoccupation. I was still
snarling and growling at myself (and, ironically, saying “I love you” to myself with this expression. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere, even if you tell me to fuck
off”).
The further irony came towards the end of
the session. It had crossed my mind that not many of my sessions include
laughter. It rarely appears, if at all. Anyway, I started my anal play and
eventually I vibrated my finger rapidly inside my ass and kept going until
something happened. Something did! The sounds I was making suddenly got very
high, and turned from moans or growls into tones of high delight and enjoyment.
I kept going with the vibrating and my body started to buckle and twist in part
enjoyment, part escape! I had previously (and continued with it up until this
point) stimulated the alveolar ridge in my mouth with my thumb (it appears to
reflect the g-spot, and has my hips convulsing in pleasure – I don’t know why,
but it does!). I was now sucking my thumb and vibrating a finger in my ass
and - boom! – I climaxed into howls and
howls of celebratory laughter! Oh for a partner who can take me over that edge
time and time again! I did so enjoy whooping around my room afterwards, raising
my fists in triumph and smiling at myself with joy in the mirror. Have I found
a trigger for myself? I imagine so! Oh, to get there without all the growling self-hate and
angst! Oh, for a lover who knows and works those buttons too!
A very positive outcome for a session with
no expectations. More tomorrow, I hope.
D.L.
Day
|
22
|
Intention:
|
To self-pleasure without expectation
|
Time:
|
23.05-23.50
|
Duration:
|
45mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Blindfold, PHI/CB Breathing, Kegels,
genital touch, anal play, music playlist, Big Draw
|
Reflection:
It was lucky that I undertook this practice
today. I was on my way to bed and I decided to take the time to explore in a
casual way another “expectation free” session.
Today I wore a blindfold, turned off all
the lights, and found my way to lying on the bed. In actual fact, by the time I
got to the bed, my energy had moved in such a way that I remained kneeling instead.
Kegels and genital touch later, I had begun with the CB and PHI Breath Cycle.
Now, it so occurred that I repeated, “I
love you, I love you, I love you” once again. Affirming my practice and
myself.
Soon after, my energy shifted with the CB
into something more assertive and aggressive. There was less snarling today,
although I did emit a fair degree of growling. I covered my mouth as usual
(especially at this later hour, I did not want to startle my neighbours).
There was not to be any triumphant laughter
today, merely a huge collapse and twitch after conducting a Big Draw to end the
session. I had found myself exploring anal play again today, vibrating as
usual, and with little or no erection to coincide with it. Never mind, I was
without expectations so this was what I got.
I did, however, manage to find my assertion, and powerful thrusting from a squat position got me into mouthing dirty talk,
and breathing through my teeth again. This brought me to a good level of
arousal and erection and I peaked myself from here. The squat position meant
the Big Draw was tricky to execute, but I tensed up and then brought myself
upright and opened my arms wide to the sky (still tensed up). My body then
exhaled and I collapsed, twitching in erotic spasms onto the bed in a foetal
position. It felt quite enlivening and exhausting at the same time. I was
regressed and re-born. I eventually turned onto my back for the silent 5.
D.L.
Day
|
23
|
Intention:
|
To relax and enjoy an expectation free
session
|
Time:
|
11.00-11.35
|
Duration:
|
35mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
HPW, CB, Kegels, body and genital touch,
Big Draw, anal play
|
Reflection:
The thing that occurred to me at the end of
this session as I conducted the silent 5, was that my mind just goes on and on
and on. There’s no rest from it is there? I found this meditation to be a
momentary escape from it, but then as soon as it was done, I came back to
realizing just how much noise had continued to be going on inside my head.
I also figured that this noise had been
amplified by the dopamine-firing HPW that I had been undertaking throughout the
session too. It was expectation-free so I was exploring that, but, rather than
have most of the session to and with myself, I spent a large portion of it
disassociated somewhere else and doing my best to remain in a semblance of
contact with my own breath and body. This amplified the internal chatter for
sure. I don’t know how it works, but this was my realization during the silent
5. I’d really rather not be bothered by such a buzz thank you very much! If I
don’t then the thing to do is to practice with – and only with – myself. Simple
as that. That way I will build my own charge and notice my own experience and
be a part of it (even if I choose to glance at some porn along the way), rather
than apart from it.
It was a gentle session today, just
relaxing and moving and browsing. I spent the first part of it standing and
moving as I watched whatever was on the screen. I then alternated between
standing, sitting and lying down. Eventually, I settled on lying on my back and
gently caressed my cock and balls and began some anal play. I glanced up at the
screen every now and then, but these sessions have given me much more awareness
of what my body is doing, and – pleasingly – the anal play has increased the
girth and sensations within of my cock. Increased blood flow perhaps? I can
only assume so.
So, these sessions are now a point of
curiosity for me at the changes in my body. Yes, I know the screen messes with
my brain chemistry. Yes, I know that with myself is better. Sometimes though, I
just want to mix it up and experiment. Thank goodness I can. The pattern in
these reflections show that when I’ve had an unsatisfactory session (or, let myself down, as I prefer to call it
– mia culpa, mia culpa!), I soon put
it right in the subsequent session(s). That’s just how it is. As long as I
continue in this way, I can only get braver and more considerate and
compassionate with myself and with others.
The evenings lend me something different
too. I have been regularly inclined to self-pleasure in the mornings. Late
mornings like today are not so good, I reckon. So, optimum times are revealing
themselves. Late night means I usually either burst wide-awake afterwards or it’s
a challenge to write the report, as I’m inclined to continue the silent 5 into
sleeping. Still, revelations come. Early mornings, very early mornings have a
similar feel to them, yet I end up with the rest of the day to discover and
explore. Right now, I’m a bit more preoccupied with getting a late breakfast or
lunch!
Okay. Ejaculation happened today too.
Again, I’m not fully into the “with abandon” mode just yet. I must be saving
that for witnesses. A performance element, perhaps? We’ll see. I expect to feel
quite depleted and underwhelmed for the rest of today. Maybe even tomorrow, as
I recover, which is a bit shitty. Okay then, I learned something else too.
Onwards to tomorrow.
D.L.
(ME = me. I am me. It is the belief that “I”
have value and worth just as I am. There is no light side, there is no dark
side. There is no good, nor bad, right nor wrong. There is just ME. I am who I
am. That is enough. If patterns repeat themselves, then that is a side to pay
attention to. A “development side” if you will. Nothing to berate nor belittle
myself over. Nothing to be sad about, nor feel is bad or wrong. It’s just a
part of me that needs a little bit of work. I am ME, and that is sufficient.
That is valuable, that is all. Punto).
D.L.
Day
|
25
|
Intention:
|
To affirm my ME.
|
Time:
|
17.15-17.55
|
Duration:
|
40mins
|
Body
Activation:
|
Mirror meditation, stroking, jumping, PHI
affirmations, CB, Kegels, genital touch, toys, anal play
|
Reflection:
Most of this session was spent in front of
the mirror talking to myself. I was affirming what I was doing and calming
myself when doubtful or deconstructive patterns emerged. I had done a PHI
session earlier in the day, and discovered some supportive messages such as:
Masculine: “I’ve got you, and you’ve got
this. Relax, breathe. I’ve got you, no matter what. I’ve got you, and you’ve
got this. You can do it. Go on, son, you’ve got this, you can do it. I’ve got
you.”
Feminine: “It’s okay, take all the time you
need. It’s okay, feel your feelings, I still want you. I’m going nowhere. I
desire you, no matter what. I’m always ready for your cock inside me, I’m
always ready for your heart too.”
I used these messages in front of the
mirror and switched them around as I tracked my arousal up and down. I noticed
when my energy moved from interest-excitement to enjoyment-joy. Today I
allowed myself, encouraged myself even, to enjoy as much as possible. I’ve
written previously about the absence of laughter in my sessions and today the
laughter came – as I came – with abundance and without regret.
I kept talking to myself throughout. Breathing
deep when I needed to and closing my eyes when it felt appropriate to go
deeper inside. I was standing for most of it and then I lay down when it felt
good to do so. I self-pleasured with an absence of pressure to be or do
anything in particular. I have to say that for a gentle, caring, caressing
session, it was very rewarding; just what I needed today after an absence
through illness and a holiday away.
I intend to affirm my ME in all of these
last few sessions.
D.L.
|
Day
|
26
|
|
Intention:
|
To find the ease in my expression
|
|
Time:
|
08.50-09.55
|
|
Duration:
|
1hr5mins
|
|
Body
Activation:
|
Conscious breathing, yoga and stretching,
Kegels, chest tapping, stroking, hip thrusting from floor, squats, mouth massage, clavicle massage, Affirmations, Big Draw, 432hz chakra healing music
|
Reflection:
I pick up these last few sessions when I
can now that I am travelling and this one has been long overdue. I came to it
having ejaculated the night before with some unsatisfactory porn watching that
I found myself engaging in. This was unusual for me but not really because it’s
an old habit and one that can be tricky to divert into more creative endeavors.
Nevertheless, I awoke this morning feeling like it was definitely time to align
myself with this foreign environment that I find myself in; surrounded by
concrete and echoey walls and cold floors. Time for alignment indeed!
And so I took it upon myself to set the
intention to (re)find my ease in my expression; naturally that would necessitate the inclusion of this environment. It would also mean that I would have a way
into opening my throat and allowing the sounds that I muffle and shy away from
here out. I began part-way through my morning yoga routine because I found
myself a little out of breath following the squats that I do. This made me feel
like the oxygen running around my body would also be a useful thing to have
full of erotic charge. I set my intention and then first of all added in Kegels
and conscious breathing as I continued with the stretching and movement. This
naturally then added to some gentle stroking of my body; caresses and kindness.
I whispered some affirmative statements to myself, such as, “it’s okay to be
sexy, it’s okay to be sexual, it’s okay to relax, it’s okay, it’s okay to
express myself.” This sort of thing.
I knew there would be a temptation to go
for genital stimulation, so rather than just put my hand in my pants and begin
stroking my cock, I caressed the whole area, cock, balls and asshole from the
outside. Sometimes I shook it, sometimes I jiggled and wiggled; anything that
wasn’t the conventional up-down stroke. In actual fact, this has been the only
session where I haven’t had my cock out and used genital touch as one of the
key tools! Perhaps last night was enough for me? Yes, and I wanted something
more. Something more affirmative, cherishing, sacred. And I got it.
The morning yoga and stretching routine was
a good base to work from. I kept coming back to it, even though
sometimes my erotic practice took me off into other realms. I felt myself drop
into the erotic trance and the sounds came quite easily. I wasn’t yelling and
screaming the place down, I found a good mid-point of noise and grunts and
groans and moans that were sufficient enough to maintain the charge in my body.
I gave a lot of emphasis on the inhalation today. Lots and lots of sucking and
relaxing with the in-breath. I also did a lot more with the Kegels than usual.
Often I will do the 100 at the start and then forget about it until I do the
genital touch and need something to activate and/or delay my peaking and Big
Draw. Today I used them a lot, especially as I continued my stretching and breathing.
They really help. More than once my routine was interrupted with a vibrating
full body orgasm, which was nice!
Speaking of which, as I concluded the
session standing up (I had been lying on my back for the majority of it, just
going slow and gentle with myself), I found myself doing a sort of bum-slapping
squat, which had me going up and down eventually with my hands holding onto my
haunches/ buttocks, fingers pointing down to my toes, elbows backwards. I found
as I went down this stretched and opened up the top of my chest and throat area
and so I held the position there after squatting for about 30 seconds. 'Lo and
behold as I stood up my body convulsed in a full body orgasm! I felt like I was
about to levitate!
Of course, having discovered this I then
did it again! Just to make sure of course. This time, however, I performed a
Big Draw as I stood up and boy did it add a difference! I took off in the room,
and collapsed at the same time. My body went into a full pelvic and knee
release, which meant the top half of my body collapsed and swung wildly in
front of my knees. This happened at least 3-4 times and I’m sure I could have
gone on for longer! Before that the orgasm had come from my legs and I found
myself stomping, shaking and vibrating them; both at the same time – I must
have been levitating! This then travelled up my body and the huge undulations
that I just described happened. Somehow I managed to drop myself onto the bed
for the Silent 5 and boy was I floating off in some peaceful, easeful place.
The intention had dropped in, and I had reminded myself of it time and time
again throughout the session. My body twitched and spasmed in delight as I
floated back down to earth.
I should also say here that because I wasn’t
using genital touch in this session, the mouth meditation massage really helped
soften up that whole pelvic bowl area. It’s a great substitute and once again
had me wailing sounds and gulping emotional tears from the release of a number of sensitive
spots. It’s a much neglected find is this massage – highly recommended!
D.L.
